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PSA: The Perils Of Having An Animal Nemesis

by Graham Crumb

Thank you very much to my Goddaughter Beverly Wilkins for letting me have a guest writing slot to write about a social issue that matters GREATLY to me. I hope all of you reading this learn from my experiences of SORROW and WOE, and do not find yourselves in a cosmic moral battle against a devious animal nemesis.

Now, picture the scene. It was a more innocent time, almost a year ago now, before my 74TH BIRTHDAY FIASCO brought anger and fear into my heart. I was browsing the ol’ information superhighway on my computer machine, looking at godly and moral websites, when I stumbled upon a search result titled “Dillon's Very Own Blog.” I chuckled quietly to myself as I clicked the link, wondering what harmless and godly adventures the titular Dillon must be documenting on his website.

Well…

After the website took a full 73 SECONDS to load, I was SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED at what I would see. Gothic sensibilities. Moody photographs. A background consisting of a RED AND BLACK SPIDERWEB (spiders, of course, being God's least favourite creation that he made by accident after sneezing during making a beetle. This was revealed to me by spiritual revelation). And of course, his title: “HELLSKUM 2 MINE TWISTED MINDE!” I was so shocked that I had to LIE DOWN and DRINK SOME SOOTHING CHOCOLATE MILK!

To make things worse, the titular Dillon was not a teenage tearaway, but a CAT!!! Yes, a member of that feline species Felis catus invented by God to sit nicely on rugs and eat the odd fishy treat, NOT INSULT AND BLASPHEME ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB!!!

Upon seeing a place to leave the young cat messages on the site, his Dinkmail, I decided to pen a thoughtful letter to inspire him to change his ways. I politely critiqued his use of offensive imagery and inflammatory language, and gently reminded him that it is this sort of behaviour that precludes one from post-mortem admission to God's eternal playground (HEAVEN!!!). I hit send, satisfied in the knowledge that I had succeeded in saving another soul.

Well… I thought wrong. I had NOT in fact saved this furry little soul. but DAMNED MYSELF TO A YEAR OF HECKFUL TORMENTATIONS!!!

Ever since then, I have argued back and forth with this fierce feline, and he hits lower and lower every time he responds. Even trying to get our own CLIFFORD HEAD to speak to him on my behalf was unsuccessful (sorry Cliff, I know you are basically a good guy, but you SEVERELY DROPPED THE BALL in this instance and I was humiliated).

I have even started a letter writing campaign to THE KING OF ENGLAND HIMSELF, and took to guarding our village's LONELY POSTBOX in case Dillon attempted to tamper with my mail. During this I unfortunately SHOUTED AND YELLED at a certain grey cat named Tibby owned by Mrs Johnson who I mistook for perhaps one of DILLON'S SINFUL MINIONS and I am very sorry about that. I have since given Tibby a chicken treat and explained to Mrs Johnson the strong feelings I have been feeling and I think everything between us is now okay.

My humiliation reached its peak when Dillon wrote his MAN-DUMB O'PISS (a corruption of the phrase magnum opus and I have good reason for the sparing use of bad languages) screamplay THE ROBOT OF JUSTICE. Within the story I am portrayed as an EVIL FART-BASED WIZARD who is then transformed into a COWARDLY SHRAMP and EATEN BY DILLON!!! And besides the wretched personal attacks, the language used in the text is EVIL AND UNPLEASANT, including references to the treasured dessert chocolate gateaux (a favourite in the Crumb household for many years) being defiled by a cat's stomping foot!!! I am not ashamed to say that I wept that night. It was the darkest night I have had for many many years.

Having an animal nemesis is not cool and not fun. Animals are the passive, friendly beasts invented by God to share the world with us; we should not be in conflict, especially on the internet; God's most sacred invention. If you ever find yourself in conflict with an animal, let the conflict go before it escalates to the scale of cosmic moral battle (as it has between Dillon and I). Conflicts of the soul are eternal, and will rage on forever in this life and the next.

Take the example of Gribley's own Doreen Dordon. When her precious garden was trampled and defecated on by two rebellious heifers from the nearby Grinton Dairy, she bravely turned the other cheek, and focussed on repairing her garden with the generous donation of twenty pounds she was provided. And, as a result, she continues to live her own peaceful life. I shudder to think how bad things would've gotten if she had started to email those cows. We should all learn from her example, and not procure animal nemeses.

Unfortunately, it is too late for me. I am spiritually bound to feud with Dillon until God and Jesus tell me to stop. So there…

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