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Dear “Dillon,” (if that is indeed your real name, which I have my doubts about!)

My name is Graham Crumb, moral guardian, and I write to you regarding the repulsive content of your so-called website. Firstly, the repulsive colour scheme you use. The highly contrasting use of red and black is painful and offensive to my eyes, bringing to mind goths, satanists, and other forms of unchristian ne'er-do-wells. Your spider web background literally makes my skin crawl! And if it upsets me, a strong strong man of seventy three years of age, then just imagine what it’s doing to the young and impressionable!

That leads me onto my second issue; your language. “Gottam.” “Danned.” “Smarthole.” Is this really the sort of language we should be encouraging our young people to be using?! Using bad language is as damaging to the brain as ALCOHOL and SMOKING is to the body, so your blog is LITERALLY POISONING OUR YOUTHS!!! Your rebellious spirit also encourages young people to DISOBEY THEIR ELDERS AND BETTERS, which I greatly dislike. It is people like you that led my adult children away so they do not speak to me any more!!!

You shall never see the kingdom of heaven, sir, unless you delete this foul blog and replace it with a WHOLESOME FAMILY WEBSITE!!!

Yours spitefully,

Graham Crumb, Moral Guardian

- Graham Crumb, Moral Guardian

Ummm… What the LIVING HENK ARE MY EYES SEEING IN MY DINKMAIL?! Gramham Crumt, if indead it is YOUR NAME (I can do that too), why are you coming onto my blog with these feelings?! If my Exquisite Aesthetic Sensibilities really offend you so much, then TURN OFF UR DANNED LABTOP CONPUTER!!! OR UR PHONE OR WHTEVER!!! The internet is a place of Your Choice, and you can CHOOSE NOT TO DARKEN MY DOORs WITH YOUR ELDERLY MANSTINK..

And I am Not Corrupting Anyone. If da world did’t want me to be HUGELY CHEESED OFF, then it should not have DONE THE CHEESING!!! I only dish out the harsh parsels of TRUTH that the POSTMAN OF WOE HAS DELIVERED INTO MY LIFE AND THAT I DID NOT SIGN FOR!!!

If you are really MORTAL GRADIAN, then where where you when I didn’t get any cream? Where where you when they replace my bespoke executive crevice with danned new bed? And why don’t you care WHEN THEY PUT GOTTAM GREAM BEANSN IN MY GOTTAM WET FOOD!!!!! Why don’t you think about that, Mr. Morel Garbian?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Hmmm……

Something tells me you will be TOO COWARDLY like scoby gorrammed doot to reply.