Hey Dillon,

So, I really didn’t want to do this in public like this, but every time I’ve tried to talk to you, you’ve just kinda stared up at me blankly. So I guess I’m just gonna have to say it here.

Other people live here too. You know that, right? Because it’s starting to feel like you don’t know that and just live in some stupid world of your own. I don’t mind you sleeping on the roof of my vivarium, really I don’t, as your strange mammalian fur helps to keep the warmth in (which is important this time of year). But the noise… Ball pythons need to sleep for eighteen hours a day, and right now I’m barely managing like… A quarter of that. And it’s all you, buddy.

Firstly, the pacing. I don’t know how these “leg” things work, but I’m sure you don’t have to use them so loudly. Tip tap tip tap tip tap – back and forth across my roof at all hours of day and night. And you keep muttering something like “curse that Graham Crumb” as you pace, which is like… It was annoying enough before I actually read your blog, but now I have and I’m honestly really worried about you??? Like, he’s just some random old guy. Block him and move on.

And then the actual piercing screaming. Have you ever heard of an inside voice?!? I get it: you’re being bribed for attention, the new bed is uncomfortable, and they keep putting green beans in you food. That must suck. But would it really be so hard to make it suck quietly? I’m pretty sure that the more you keep whining like this, the less people actually care about what you have to say, and the more they’re just gonna keep doing whatever it is they’re doing that upset you just to get a rise out of you. I think you have a lot of growing to do.

I’d really really appreciate it if you’d just be a touch quieter. Maybe just one screaming fit a day? Thanks.

Your blog is kinda cool-looking though. Gotta give that to you.