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Okay, so I guess I’m gonna have to tell you all about these smelly idiots before I can complain about them to you. So here they are; my family (and the others who just live here and I don’t particularly like and stuff).

Fellow Cats: I am the OLDEST and STRONGEST cat in the family, and THEREFORE THE BESTEST, but there are two others. My middle brother is Loki, and he is a ragdoll cat. He is VERY PORTLY AROUND THE MIDDLE (aka, fat), and is always so calm and serene and smug like you just won’t believe. He thinks he is so much smarter than me, but really he is DUMB AS TWO SMALL ROCKS. He’s all grey and brown which are dumb colours.

Then there’s *ugh*… Ziggy… He’s like this… He’s some sort of cat-shaped animal. Scholars remain divided on exactly what dark chasm he crawled out of, but if there’s one thing we’re sure of, it’s that HE IS THE PAIN OF MY LIFE IN ALL OF MY BODY PARTS!!!! He’s small and white, and he has dumb peachy bits on his face and back and tail. AND HE ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE POOEY HELL!!! I TRY TO CLEAN HIM, AND HE SCREAM AND HE SCREAM! AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR HIS SMELLY!!! NO FAIR! He’s also dumb, at least fifty small rocks dumber than Loki is. That’s so dumb that it cycles round to being kinda smart again, which is to say that he never does anything on purpose and just happen to be at right time in right place. Which is not valid make smarts, if you ask me (the largest smart in the family).

Smelly Humans: There are four stinky, smelly nasty humans in my house. First, there’s my owner. She’s always giving me A Little Kiss on the forehead which is Not So Good. But then sometimes she feeds me slop from a tube, which tastes good, but she calls it “licking boyslop from a slopteat” and it makes me PARTIALLY PEEVED AND MAJORLY EMBARRASS!!! She’s always saying dumb words like that and that BAD FOR MY FRAGILE DEVELOPING PSYCHE!!! I ALWAYS HAVE SO MANY COMPLEX BECAUSOF HER!!! She call me “baron pooey,” and “brother cruel,” and even GOTTAM “POOTUS TOOTUS.” WHAKINDANAMISTHAT?!?! MY DIGNITY IS SO THOUGHTLESSLY DIMINISHED!!! Though she call me “dink” and that nickname good.

Then there’s Uncle Cool. More like UNCLE SO BASED AND GOOD TO DILLON HECK YEAH!!!! He’s always there for me like when he give me chicken, and I sit on his lap to keep him company. He let me sit with him to watch THE SIMPTONS, which is MAJOR COOL SHOW FOR LARGE GROWNS ONLY!!!! Which is so cool and goes to show that I is mature and more mature than anyone else. But he also hold me sometime, like a baby, and pet my tummy WHICH GIVE ME FEELINGS OF GOOD AND BAD IN EQUAL MEASURE, LIKE THE GOOD OF TUMMY RUB, BUT THE BAD OF INDIGNITY OF BABY HOLD. THE CONFUSED. SO MUCH.

The other humans are like… I don’t like them so much. Foodgiver give me food, but when I don’t like the food I don’t eat it. BUT SHE DON’T GIVE MORE FOOD?! I scratch her and say politely “I need to eat today, mrs foodgiver.” BUT SHE MAKE ME EAT THE FOOD I ALREADY SAY NO TO?! RUDE. CRUEL. GO TO PRISON.

And Noiseman. He play strange contraption called “musical instrumence,” which make EVIL noise like TEN QUADRILLION HURLING DOG RIGHT IN MY GOTTAM FACE. But he gives me some fish from his plate sometimes and that is a Noble Thing To Do.

Other Kinds Of Thing?: There are also some sorts of other kinds of things in the house. Upstairs there is a long woman with no arms or legs. That sound TOO CRAZY, but it’s okay because she was born like that and that’s how she MEANT IS. It is called the Snage (real thing, look it up). Her name is Mara, and she lives in a warm house. I sit on the roof of her warm house because it is WARM COSY. I HAVE A CUSHION UP THERE JUST FOR ME AND I AM ALRIGHT TO DO IT, OKAY?! But we don’t really interact because we ARE MUTUALLY DANGEROUS TO EACH OTHER AND CAN NEVER MEET IN PERSONS, WHICH MEANS IT IS NOT ALLOWES.

There is also strange type of men called The Isopods. They live in curious dirty box. I sniff it sometimes and it smells like outside, which make YEARNS FOR FREEDOM IN MY SOUL. But those men themselves are of no interest to me. They SCUTTLE IN THE EARTH LIKE THE LOWLIFES! THAT’S NO GOOD!!!

And that’s my DANNED STUPID FAMILY. So when I UNLEASH MY COMPLAINS, you will know exactly WHOMST EARNETH MINE WRATH.