Dear Dillon,

I have read your replies to my previous well-worded letter, and I’ve got to say, you’ve really done it now. Calling me “poosniffer.” Accusing me of being as cowardly as that degenerate cartoon dog Scooby Doo. Accusing me of being a fair-weather moral guardian when in fact I treat my responsibilities with the UTMOST SERIOUSNESS.

I’ll have you know that the emotions your reply unlocked reduced me to tears on my very own birthday, and I put out the candles on my seventy-fourth birthday cake with my tears. I then got into an argument with my god-daughter and was asked to leave the village hall for making a scene. The party, of course, continued without me. I blame this all on you.

If you do not REMOVE YOUR ENTIRE ACCURSED WEBSITE, I will be forced to print out all of your posts and deliver them IN PERSON to the chair of my LOCAL CONCERNED CITIZENS GROUP. He has a lot of power, don’t you know, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this affair ends in litigation, hefty fines, and potential prison time.

You have made a powerful enemy, young man. Make your next moves carefully…