DINKMAIL - A HUNDRED BILLION ANGELS FROM HEAVEN
Dear Dillon,
It appeared you have de-trumped my trump card. I have written numerous letters to His Majesty King Charles III regarding your antics, and enclosed printed copies of all of your blog posts inside of a stylish LEVER ARCH FOLDER, but I received naught but a tawdry form letter in reply. I also received a sort of plastic sticker of the royal coat of arms to stick on the rear windshield of my car, which is rather nifty, but that is beside the point. You must’ve written to him first and told him your SLANDEROUS MOCKERIES about me so that he wouldn’t listen, you scoundrel! You left me trumpless and afraid! You may have won this battle, but YOU WILL NEVER WIN THIS WAR! I have written yet more letters regarding your behaviour, and to ensure they are not tampered with by you or by anyone, I stood vigil by the postbox all day until they were collected by an OFFICIAL ROYAL MAIL POSTMAN.
And yesterday, when I got home from a busy day of postal vigilment, I logged onto my computer and what did I find? YOUR DARK, SATANIC SCREAMPLAY! (and yes, I am indulging in your childish neologism, for that accursed script has given me much to scream about).
Firstly, your very skewed understanding of justice. Having a robot follow you around and blast everyone you dislike is NOT JUSTICE, NOT BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION! Vegetables are a good and wholesome food, and they are not wrong just because you don’t like them. And the treatment of your ‘nurse’ mother… For shame! Didn’t you know that the Bible tells you to honour your father and mother? No, my young enemy, might does not equal right. I tend to make you aware of that fact USING EVERYTHING WITHIN MY POWER!
Secondly, the gross and crude qualities of your writing that leave me feeling most unwell. “Ignore anus.” “sloppering beast.” “WRETCHED SLIME!!!” Must I go on quoting your most unlovely use of language?
These are the words of a sick, sick mind. You, sir, are sick. Healthy people should only write about things like BUTTERCUPS and DAISIES and THE HEALING LIGHT OF CHRIST OUR LORD!!! Why can’t you be more like your brother Ziggy and his delightful little novelette about his walk to the fishmongers? You could learn much from him.
There was one part of your screenplay that left me RETCHING AND HEAVING like a DOG WHO ATE FROM THE TRASH BY MISTAKE! It was at the end of the piece, during your robot’s defeat of that hideous mutant squirrel. The robot’s laser burns through it “LIKE A CAT’S PAW STEPPING THROUGH THE UNTOUCHED SURFACE OF A VIRGINAL CHOCKOLERT GATOE AT CHRISTMAS DINNER WHEN HE IS TRYING TO GET TO THE TURKEY!”
What. A. Repulsive. Image…
I’ll have you know that I love a good chocolate gateau after my wholesome British Sunday roast. The idea of your feculent little poofoot crashing down through the surface of my favourite treat made me quite upset. I am not ashamed to admit that it almost made a grown man cry! If the phrase “Jesus wept” can remain in common parlance, then I am not ashamed to say “Graham wept!”
And finally, the biggest offence: THE FACT THAT YOU DEPICTED MY PERSON WITHIN THE NARRATIVE WITHOUT PERMISSION OR COMPENSATION!!! Don’t you try to fool me with the scramblage of names; I know that Grayum Chumbe is me in the exact same way you are Dr. Illon and your brothers are Professor Lopi and his lab assistant Zoggy. I am not a stinking wizard powered by farts and hatred, I am a TRUE WARRIOR OF PEACE AND JUSTICE WITHIN THIS UNITED KINGDOM! I AM NOT A “RECTAL ANUS!!!”
And the worst thing of all, you reduced me to a scuttling invertebrate SHRAMP!
AND THEN YOU ATE ME!
I AM NOT NOR WILL I EVER BE A TASTY LITTLE MORSEL FOR YOU TO CRUNCH WITH YOUR WRETCHED CAT TEETH! I AM A TOUGH, LEATHERY OLD BOOT OF A MAN AND I AM INEDIBLE!!! AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, YOU COULD NOT “CRUNCH MY SHELLBONES” (actually regular bones, SINCE I AM AMONG THE HIGHER LIFE FORMS THAT GOD NAMED MAMMALS!!!) BECAUSE EVERY MORNING I DRINK A PROBIOTIC DRINK THAT IS FORTIFIED WITH CALCIUM!!!! MY BONES ARE STRONG!!! BUT, YOUNG MAN, I COULD EASILY RUN YOU FLAT WITH MY CAR SO THAT SHOULD BE SOME FOOD. FOR. THOUGHT!!!!!! EVEN IF YOU ARE IN YOUR HOUSE I CAN GET YOU.
The king may not be able to get you. That snivelling ineffectual faux-moral guardian Cliff Head may not be able to get you. But I know someone who can. And he knows all about you.
IT’S GOD!!!
GOD HAS BEEN WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY, AND JUDGING BY ALL THE DARK CLOUDS I CAN SEE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW RIGHT NOW HE IS NOT HAPPY! HE CREATED YOU AND HE CREATED THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD AND HE CAN DESTROY BOTH AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE!
I CAN SEE IT NOW… A HUNDRED BILLION ANGELS FROM HEAVEN SCREAMING YOUR NAME IN ANGELIC CHORUS, STREAMING DOWN TO EARTH LIKE RAIN WITH THEIR DIAMOND SCEPTRES READY TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH. IF TOILET CLEANER IS ONLY 99.99% EFFECTIVE IN KILLING NASTY LITTLE GERMS SUCH AS YOURSELF, THEN ANGELS WOULD BE 110% EFFECTIVE!!!
REPENT OR PERISH, FELINE NE'ER-DO-WELL!
Yours angrily,
Graham Crumb, Moral Guardian
GRRR! I HATE YOU GRAHAM CRUMB!! I HATE YOU GRAGHAM CRUMB!!! I HATE YOU GRAYIM CRUNG!!!! This is litterly the most UNBRAINLY STUPID I have ever read, AND YES I HAVE READ ZIGGY’S “NOVELETTE!!!”
I. Am. A. Cat. Just becuse I write totarly bangin screamplays and I am so brainsmart, it doesn’t mean that I am not JUST A SMAL KITY! I have soft fur and I say meow and I LIKE GENTLE HEADPATS! for u, a scruppled up elderly manstink, 2 be this upset about the things I rite on my blog is OBSERD AND WRONG! u should probaby have REAL OLD MAN things to do like hold up checkout line in supermartet or yell at children that they cannot have ball back, NOT BULLYING ME!
this is so strange and I thint THE PLOT RAN AWAY FROM YOU FOR A LONG TIMES!!!
I will go through ur letter in chromorogical order TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW RONG YOU ARE!
Fristly; da king. I donot care who he is. I donot write 2 him. He probly gets severals of leters every day and he does not have time to reply to them. SO THAT IS WHY YOU GOT A FORM LETTER PROBALY POTOCOPIED BY HIS MANSERVANTS!!! it is so strange that you think that he care. He is so busy with all his frone-sitting every day that I don’t think he even notice if TWO SITISENS OF HIS NATION ARE HAVING AN ARGUMENT ONLINE! there are so many arguments that happen ever day and you canot expect him 2 step in like my MOTHER STEPS IN WHEN I AM KICKING MY BROTHERS IN THE HEAD AND NECK! He is a busy man unlike my mother WHO IS UNEMPLOYED.
u can write to him whatever u like becuse I donot notice or care. I am not going to interfere with your postbox because I am not allow to go outside unless it is for the vet or a little fresh air time (even then I am put in basket or HELD ONTO SAFELY BY MOTHER). I do not even kno where Gribley is, and even if I did I would not go there!!! especially to interfere with the mail!!!! so you can keep on doing your vigilment if you want but I WILL NOT BE INBOLVED!
Secondy: my screamplay is FICTIONAL! Do you thing STAR WAR is real too? dont make me laugh! And how the henk did u find it straight away? Are you just sat refreshing my page all evening like a no-life cringo??? SAD!!!
My language is a reflection of my DARK, INSPIRED SOUL! I am not sick, IT IS THE HOLE DANNED WORLD THAT IS SICK! Mine art is to distube the comforble and comforb the distube!!!! and you look PRETTY DANNED COMFORBLE TO ME! And the fact u were so ofended by my artful metapahor of STEPPING ON A CHOKOLERT GATOE was so strange to me… it was mine own inspire moment based on the experience of my life.
I am not a “feculent little poofoot.” when i use the litter tray i WIPE MINE PAWS ON THE CARPET AFTWARDS so it is the carpet that gets pooey NOT MINE PAWS!!! I MYSELF AM CLEAN AND TIDY! ME STEPPING ON A GATOE MAY ACTUALY IMPROVE THE FLAVOUR!
And yes, the villin character Grayum Chumbe may bear some… slight resembling to your stinking personage. that is called WRITING WHAT YOU KNOW!!! UNFORTUNITELY YOU MADE YOURSELF KNOWN TO ME SO YOU WERE WOVERN INTO MY ADANCED CREATIONS USING MY IMAGINATION! AND WHEN I IMAGINE YOU, YOU ARE A SMAL, SHRILL, RED-FACED LITTLE MAN LIKE… YES, A SHIRMPE (or a “shramp,” as u call it with ur dungass brane). Have you considered not being so shirmpley all the dann time?!?
my eating of you was just an EXPRESSION OF MY FEEL. I would like so bad to make this problem disapear, but since u are not going away mine screamplay was a way of cafarsis for mine problems.
You threatening to run me flat with your car was really MEAN AND SCARY! But I know it is not true because you do not know where I live, I donot loeave house very oftin, and CAR CANNOT COME INSIDE BECAUSE IT CANNOT FIT THROUGH DOOR AND IT IS ILLEGAL!!! SO THERE. you are not going to kill me and I am not very afraid of that at all!
Finerly. I am not even sure if god is real but even if he is then he is NOT GOING TO GET ME EITHER! Like da king, I donot think he have the time or even care. do you know how many NEW BABIES AND ANIMALS he has to invent every day? Too many 2 care about your smartless ramberings! And there proberly isn’t a hunderd bilion angels even anyway! Lern 2 count!!!
anyway I am not scare and I am not intimidate and u do whatever u like and I donot care or notice. my creative spirit is imdoertible. Goodbye.